To: President Barack Obama
From: Steve Clifford
Your leadership and idealism have inspired me to serve my country. I want to give something back by volunteering for government service. I am willing to serve on one of your Death Panels. The first six on my list are Dick Cheney, Keith Olberman, Glenn Beck, Regis Philbin, sports agent Scott Boras, and Ken Lewis, CEO of Bank of America.
To: Citizen Clifford
From: Lincoln Jefferson, Director Human Resources; Department of Death Panels
President Obama forwarded your email to me. You must be joking! Everyone on your list is a white male over 50. Ever hear of Diversity? HELLO.... it'ês 2009. Send a list that resembles America today and we will consider your application.
To: Lincoln Jefferson
From: Clifford
Please amend my list to add Rev. Al Sharpton, Madonna, 50 Cent (not his real name. His real name is 37 Cent), Geraldo Rivera, Barry Bonds, and Greta Van Susteren.
From: Lincoln Jefferson
No Asians?
From: Clifford
Please amend my list to add Kim Jung Il.
From: Jefferson
U.S. citizens only.
From: Clifford
Is Nicole Richie Asian?
From: Jefferson
No.
From: Clifford
Please amend my list to include Sanjaya Malakar
To: Clifford
Please indicate preferred method of implementing death:
- Impalement: A sharp pole is pushed upwards through the victim'ês body. The pole is then raised upright allowing the victim to slide further down the pole by his own weight.
- Coffin Torture: The victim is placed inside a metal cage roughly made in the shape of his body. The cage is hung from a tree allowing squirrels and other small animals to eat his flesh.
- The Rack: The victim is placed on spiked wooden plank with his feet tied to the bottom and hands roped to a crank at the top. As the crank turns the ropes pull the victim's arms, eventually dislocating bones with a loud crack. As the limbs are pulled apart, the spinal cord is ripped in pieces.
- The Breaking Wheel: The victim's limbs are tied to the spokes of a large wooden wheel that is slowly revolved while an operator smashes the victims'ê limbs with an iron hammer, breaking them in many places. Once his bones are broken, the wheel is placed on a tall pole so birds can pick and eat the flesh of the still-living human.
From: Clifford
All of the above.
From: Jefferson
When can you start?
