Attached is your AIG BONUS APPLICATION. Please complete and return.
ELIGIBILITY CERTIFICATION
AIG will pay bonuses only to retain top talent.
To be eligible for a bonus please initial the following two statements:
I am top talent _______
Unless I receive an eye-popping bonus, I will go to work for Lehman, Bear Stearns, or Merrill _______
I. REQUESTED BONUS AMOUNT (circle one)
$10,000,000
$5 ,000,000
$1,000,000
Chump change
II. PERFORMANCE
Divisional — Last year my division lost:
Over $50 billion
Between $10 billion and $50 billion
Between $1 billion and $10 billion
Chump change
Individual
I was personally responsible for losing:
Over $10 billion
Between $5 billion and $10 billion
Between $1 billion and $5 billion
Chump change
Achievements
Last year, I accomplished the following:
Fogged a mirror
Located the Men'ês Room
Learned to pronounce "credit default swap."
Learned to say, "I just lost another billion on credit default swaps. Tough break for taxpayers."
Justification
The most convincing rationale for taxpayers footing the bill for my bonus is:
Never give a sucker an even break
Never give a sucker an even break
Never give a sucker an even break
All of the above
III. SOURCE OF FUNDS FOR REQUESTED BONUS
First Government Bailout
Second Government Bailout
Third Government Bailout
Fourth Government Bailout
Future Government Bailouts
IV. PAYMENT
Please pay my bonus in:
Swiss Francs
Gold
Stock in companies receiving AIG counterparty payments
Hostages
