Flip Side exclusive: Why those contractors don't show up at your home

Flip Side's crack investigative reporting team has learned that the State of Washington is to blame for plumbers who don't show up. And electricians who don't show up. Maybe even dates who don't show up. Flip Side has discovered that the Washington State Department of People Who Don't Show Up (WSDOPWDSU) requires all plumbers, electricians, carpenters, boat mechanics, and even some dates to be clinically certified achroniacs. An achroniac is someone who cannot grasp the fundamental elements of time. To an achroniac, "9:15 a.m., Tuesday, July 2, 2007, PDT" and "sometime before Holloween 2026" mean exactly the same thing. To Achroniacs, any reference to time means only "whenever I get around to it, if I get around to it at all." To be certified by WSDOPWDSU one also must demonstrate expertise in excuses for not showing up – for example, having an assistant answer the phone and explain that you were:

• Tied up with an emergency.
• Lost, somewhere between Bothell and Woodinville.
• Suffering from flange foot.
• Drafted by the NFL.
• Being held hostage by the al-Aqsa Martyrs' Brigades.

The assistant assures, however, that you will definitely stop by first thing tomorrow. In the rare case that you do show up, WSDOPWDSU requires that you leave before doing any work and state, "The serotonin uptake inhibitor is on the fritz. It needs a new Prozac valve. I'll have to go back to the shop to get one. I'll be by first thing tomorrow." Prior to Flip Side'S investigation, employees of WSDOPWDSU had tried to bury this story by not answering their phones. In fact, they don't show up for work.