Memorandum
From: Clip Clifford, CEO, Strategic Strategies
To: Senate Committee on Public Relations
Re: Names
The Senate'ês approval rating has fallen again. You now rank behind used car salesman, child molesters, and Bank CEO'ês. Our research reveals that your names are a big part of the problem. Who the hell is Johanns? Barrasso? Begich? Carper? Enzi? Kaufman? No wonder people think you'êre a bunch of clowns.
Strategic Strategies recommends that each of you adopt a descriptive name. This worked wonders for the American Indians. (I eschew the term 'êNative American.'ê Having been born in Orange, NJ, I am a Native American. I believe that no American Indian would want to be associated with Clip Clifford.) Think Crazy Horse, Little Big Man, Dances With Wolves, Sitting Bull, etc. Nobody cares how guys named Isakson, Risch, and Crapo voted. With descriptive names, roll calls would be front page. Imagine:
Roll Call on Motion to Invoke Cloture on the Motion to Proceed to S. 3268
Alabama: Talks Nonsense (R), Nay; Red in the Neck (R), Nay
Alaska: Beats a Dead Horse (D), Yea; Expanding Waistline (R), Nay
Arizona: Sleazy Eagle (R), Nay; Always Peeved (R), Nay
Arkansas: Bird Brained (D), Yea; Seldom Sober (D), Yea
California: Pushy Broad (D), Yea; In Lala Land (D), Yea
Colorado: Bag of Wind (D), Yea; Elevator Does Not Go To The Top (D), Yea
Connecticut: Clueless (D), Yea; Hole in the Head (Ind.), Yea
Delaware: Dimwit Dingbat (D), Yea; Lost in the Twilight Zone (D), Yea
Florida: Not the Sharpest Arrow in the Quiver (R), Nay; Bunco Artist (D), Yea
Georgia: Talks Your Ear Off (R), Nay; Many Falsehoods (R), Nay
Hawaii: Screw Loose (D), Yea; Pig Headed (D), Yea
Idaho: Blunt Instrument (R), Nay; Potato Head (R), Nay
Illinois: Appointed By A Felon (D), Yea; False Messiah (D), Yea
Indiana: Farts Up A Storm (D), Nay; Cocaine Monkey (R), Nay
Iowa: Not Playing with A Full Deck (R), Nay; Forked Tongue (D), Yea
Kansas: Denies Evolution (R), Nay; Aggressively Boring (R), Nay
Kentucky: Cheats at Golf (R), Nay; Writes Bad Checks (R), Nay
Louisiana: Panders to Yahoos (D), Yea; Snores Through Sessions (R), Nay
Maine: Won'êt Shut Up (R), Nay; Blow Hard (R), Nay
Maryland: Taxes and Spends (D), Yea; Un-indicted (D), Yea
Massachusetts: Drives Off Bridges (D), Yea; Votes For Before He Votes Against (D), Yea
Michigan: Sitting Bullshit (D), Yea; Standing Bullshit (D), Yea
Minnesota: Runs Toward Cameras (D), Yea; Ha Ha Man (D) Not Voting
Mississippi: Low Watt Bulb (R), Nay; Make me an Offer (R), Nay
Missouri: Out to Lunch (R), Nay; Vacant Lot (D), Yea
Montana: Great White Jerk (D), Yea; A Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal (D), Yea
Nebraska: Goes Both Ways (R), Nay; Goes Four Ways (D), Nay
Nevada: Does Not Go at All (R), Nay; What Happens in the Senate Stays in the Senate (D), Yea
New Hampshire: Loud of Mouth (R), Nay; Yadda Yadda Yadda (D), Yea
New Jersey: Flimflam Man (D), Yea; Low Life Lizard (D), Yea
New Mexico: No Lead In the Pencil (D), Yea; Banana Head (D), Yea
New York: Gun Toting Mama (D), Yea; Salts the Mine (D), Yea
North Carolina: Can'êt Chew Gum and Walk at the Same Time (R), Nay; Wets The Bed (D), Yea
North Dakota: Con Man (D), Yea; Megadork (D), Yea
Ohio: Sticky fingers (D), Yea; Crazy Horse's Ass (R), Nay
Oklahoma: Stuck in the Pleistocene (R), Nay; Denies Global Warming (R), Nay
Oregon: Jerk of the First Order (D), Yea; Pawn of the Unions (D), Yea
Pennsylvania: Big Goniff (D), Yea; Blows a Gasket (R), Nay
Rhode Island: Inane Turkey (D), Yea; White Bread (D), Yea
South Carolina: Just Says No (R), Nay; Still Fighting the Civil War (R), Nay
South Dakota: Dumber Than Rain (D), Yea; Flip Flops (R-SD), Nay
Tennessee: Shucks and Jives (R), Nay; No Shucks (R), Nay
Texas: Roaring A-hole (R), Nay; Raging A-hole (R), Nay
Utah: Head-standing A-hole (R), Nay; Skywriting A-hole (R), Nay
Vermont: Cart-wheeling A-hole (D), Yea; Thinks He Is Funny (Ind.), Yea
Virginia: Dumb Hunk (D), Yea; Big Horn (D), Yea
Washington: Tweedledee (D), Yea; Odorous Tennis Shoes (D), Yea
West Virginia: One Foot In the Grave (D), Not Voting; Beaten By An Ugly Stick (D), Yea
Wisconsin: Smells Like A Skunk (D), Yea; Older than Methuselah (D), Yea
Wyoming: Half Cocked Snake (R), Nay; Great White Bozo (R), Nay
